the newts.net

The fantastic Viz Profanisaurus is now available in Hangman game form. Quality! You can visit the Viz site here or if you just wanna download the game right click & save target to your desktop on the link below.

Viz Hangman —> Sweary piss pants bollocks game. [640k]

The definitive ‘HOW TO’ guide for beginners!
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Wez thought that accused rapist Antoni Imiela bore such a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford, he decided to get his paintbrush out for a bit of photoshopping. Quality job…

Click for BIGGY.

My brother and Sister are 26 today!

Sophie’s in Lancaster at the minute but me & Rach and Oli & Ju will be out to the Peiking Palace tonight for a birthday munch.

Just got back from Dad’s in the Lake district. Had a lovely time as always and managed to find a nice looking new fishery to try. It was after a visit to the aquarium of the lakes, which was very interesting, that we were driving up the west side of Lake Windermere when we came across Esthwaite Water.

Driving northwards up the lake I noticed trout cages in the middle of the water. A few miles further down the lake was the fishery office, which was promptly stored into the car’s sat nav for future outings! It looks a lovely place to fish and I think the plan of attack is going to be 2 days in Windermere fishing our old favourite Bigland Hall and then a day on the newly discovered Esthwaite Water. They’ve got their own website here. Check out some of the pictures of Brown Trout in the gallery, there’s some beauties!

I’m still itching to get out on my first trip of the season but it’s snowing here so the only trip I’m having is up the stairs to the fly tying bench. Results will be posted soon!

Click for BIGGY.

Happy birthday to my princess Rachy, 25 today! Glad you like your car, just try and keep it in one piece please ;0)

Click for BIGGY.

Well guys I dont know about you but I thought that this day would never come! I - Rachel Courtney - have my own car. Its a Fiat Brava 1.6 16 v and it is fantastic!!!!!!!!! I can’t believe it my dreams have come true for 8 years I have been waiting for this day. Unfortunatly at the moment I found out I had the right to drive my very own car I was too drunk to drive it but I asure you I will be up at dawn to DRIVE MY OWN CAR. WHEY HEY!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S Thank you to my fantastic man who made it so special - I love you - xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The old fly tying gear has been sat in the spare room packed since I moved here over 2 years ago now. It was time it saw the light of day. The only thing I was lacking was a decent table for the set up. My old kitchen table which had been bunged in the garage for a year and stood outside in sun, rain and snow for 2 years before that would fit the bill nicely, it just needed some slight restoration. So it was out with the old orbital sander, primer undercoat and gloss and 10 days later, job’s a good ‘un. Most of the time was taken waiting for the gloss to dry. It says 16 hours on the tin, but being in the cold garage took 3 days to be reasonably re-coat dry. I’m still not fully convinced it’s totally dry now, but I can’t wait any longer so it was time to get it in, assembled and the tying gear out. I’m sure the table will dry and harden up nicely now it’s inside in the warm.

Once set up, I had to have a quick go for 3 reasons.

1 - To make sure I hadn’t forgotten what to do!

2 - To try out the whip finishing tool. Something I’ve never been able to suss out, but I found this neat little gif animation on how to use it so I thought I’d give it a try.

3 - To tie a Bov’s Shrimper! See, we all have a special fly that, whenever anyone asks you what you caught your fish on, you tell them that one. You probably never ever fish with it, but it’s good for taking the piss. This usually applies when we’re in competition and you know they aint gonna tell ya the truth, but you ask all the same. And then usually get laughed at!

Mines a ‘Tab End’. I.e. the fish are that easy to catch, you’ll probably get one if you stick a cigarette end on your hook. Having said that though, there’s been MANY an occasion when I haven’t been able to get a pull, I’ve tossed my cigarette end in the water and 20 seconds later a trout comes and takes it!

Ken’s is a ‘Pheasant Tail’. A remarkably productive fly, but it comes in hundreds of variations and colours and he’ll never divulge any more information than that!

Willie’s is a ‘Gold Head Spider’ or “Speeder wee a guld hee” as he says it. I don’t think he’s ever fished with one in his life and he definitely doesn’t own one, but if he catches a fish, that’s what it’s on.

Gaz’s is a ‘Dog Nobbler’ Again, another fantastic fly on the right day in the right conditions. Many big trout fall to this lure, but not usually to Gaz! That’s what he’ll be using if you ask though.

Which leaves the new boy Bov. Bov (at the moment anyway) couldn’t tell a cows arse from a banjo if they appeared side by side in his limited fly collection. Upon reading a book he bought at the recent Rutland Water tying exhibition, he took a shine to the ‘Shrimper’. So, just so he can recognise at least one fly by name, I decided that the first fly off the new tying bench should be a ‘BOV’S SHRIMPER’. I hope it brings him a few nice fish, but just incase you’re on the bank at Thorpe Vale and someone tell’s you they’re getting them on a Bov’s Shrimper, they’re probably lying!

Hover over pics for description, click for BIGGY.

Fishing Update…

Arrived at George’s at 12.55… Very windy, decided to fish the back lake. Uncle Glenn and his friend were already in to a few.
Within five mins I’m on my way to my first fly cast of the year. Bovadipadopolis was being set up by Glenn and within four casts was in to his first of the year, a nice pound fish and his new Reddington rod was christened.
However, his short lived boasting came abruptly to an end as the ornz came storming back with 3 nice rainbows.
The fish were only around one an arf pound but very welcome today [bad conditions]. A nice relaxing afternoon was had by all.

Mr newts was sadly missed.

the master reigns.

regards ornz.

…Since the flash animation prog had an airing so here we go…

The new Honda ASIMO. 0-60 in 6 seconds!

Surprising how humanlike he really is!

For a nice high quality flash version click here.
Or the b3ta version here.

I was having a play on the old poker tonight, during which the board flopped…

…Unfortunately I didn’t have the other Ace. (nor did anyone else!)…

When I saw someone on the telly who instantly reminded me of someone else. What do you reckon:

Hover over the pics to see who is actually who.

Wow check this out that I found in the latest SPORTFISH magazine…

It’s a wristwatch echo sounder & fish finder. How cool is that! The transponder has an internal battery and sends the decoded information back to the watch display remotely so there’s no wires. You can even attach the transponder to your line and cast it out! Fantastic for checking depth and fish locations all over the lake from wherever you are fishing. With the transponder being able to float, I suppose you could just tow it behind your boat like you do the more conventional fixed type.

It may not be quite as powerful and feature rich as the hardwired Eagle Strata 128 fish finder I use:

But for it’s size, convenience and sheer gadgetery brilliance, I think it’s a snip at £109. I’m well tempted!

I’m sure you’ve all heard the 2 sharks in the sea joke about Morecambe bay so I’ll spare you that one. I heard one on a slightly different tack tonight though, it goes something like this:

Police have today revealed after intense questioning that the gang leaders of the Morecambe Bay cockle picking tragedy warned the Chinese cockle pickers that they must start to walk back to the shore once the water level reached knee high. Unfortunately, Nee Hi was still in the back of the van having his supper!

There’s another one doing the rounds along the lines of… Due to the recent success of the Morecambe Bay cockle picking back to work scheme, the programme has now been extended to all ethnic minorities.

Ahh theres some sick people out there. Witty though!

And just to pick up a few extra hits through misspellings of Morecambe, I’d better mention Morecombe bay cockle picking jokes!

As a rule of thumb, there’s usually 3 things that always remind me that spring is on it’s way. As soon as I hear the first mention of them I start thinking of balmy summer nights and all of the fun contained therein.

The first is the University Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge. That takes place on Sunday 28th March this year.

The second is the Aintree Grand National. That’s on Saturday 3rd April this year.

And the final one is the London Marathon. That’s run on Sunday 18th April this year.

The strange thing is that I’m not particularly bothered about any of them. If a boat sinks in the varsity boat race then that makes it worth watching. We always have a sweepstake on the Grand National, but that’s usually as far as I go betting wise on the race. It’s too open and difficult to logically predict a winner. And the London Marathon’s a bit of a bore too. Nice to see some daft sod running 26 miles in an antique diving suit, but that’s about it for entertainment value. So these 3 sporting events to which I have no particular affiliation or liking to will remain ever synonymous to me with the onset of spring. Always have done, always will do.

But what’s that got to do with a story posted in the Fishing category? Well the reason is that I wanted to add a fourth Spring indicator to my list. The long awaited and most welcomed arrival on my doormat of the SPORTFISH Fly fishing tackle magazine. I love this mag, and what’s more it’s FREE! Full of gadgets and goodies of all shapes, sizes and prices, and an instant cue to thoughts of the up comming season of days and evenings spent by the riverbank or bobbing serenely along in the boat.

I’m currently engaged in a mini project of restoring an old and outdoor weathered table that I’m going to use as my fly tying bench, but more on that later. I’m certainly looking forward to this season with a renewed sense of optimism and vigour. (Itching to get out on the first outing already!) That’s nothing new though, it comes from spending the winter months away from something I love and enjoy so much, and not just me, I’m sure it’s inherent in every fly fisherman around this time of year. I’ve just got a feeling of good things to come this year. A double figure rainbow trout would fit the bill just nicely :0)

Of course it’s not just the fishing, it’s the camaraderie or ‘Good Crack’ as Willie calls it, that make fishing weekends away such great fun. This year will see the second competition for the Ladybower Cup. A competition where 6, 8 or 10 of us go to the picturesque Ladybower Reservoir in the Sheffield Peak District and boat fish for 2 days for the honour and title of cup holder. By some freak / fluke of nature Garry won the inaugural competiton, and as such has his name indelibly engraved in the first position on the cup for evermore. The weather was fantastic, but the fishing was slow and difficult. Gaz, as a relative newcomer to the sport, fished well though and his persiverence paid off. Credit to him. We hope to rectify that this year though!

Other venues that will see my fly collection this year are the remote and beautiful Bigland Hall up near my Dad in the Lake District, and I’d love to take a few friends to Loch Fitty in Fife, Scotland (Where the newts.net logo picture came from) for a weekend away. It’s a bit far, but it’s well worth the journey. The massive and slightly daunting Rutland Water is a venue I haven’t had the pleasure of fishing yet, but it’s another one on this years ‘to do’ list. And another venue that I’ve always liked the look of is the beautifully scenic Cumbrian water of Cogra Moss. We really ought to take a day out to wet a line there!

So in summary, tonight and tomorrow I shall be continuing with the fly tying table restoration in full readiness for a mass tying session for the onset of what I hope to be a most memorable, fruitful, but above all enjoyable season. There will be plenty of stories and info about this years fishing exploits appearing here on the newts.net, but until then…

Boat Race + Grand National + London Marathon + SPORTFISH Mag = Spring alarm call!

TIGHT LINES folks!

Well done to Lee:

Who sent me this:

As irrefutable proof that he’s certainly spent some time spanking his penguin! I had a 1218 the other day, but Lee’s set the standard and the new target with a massive penguin punt of 1224.1

Think you can bash your bird that little bit further than Lee? Then try your luck here and let us know how you get on.

To put this Janet Jackson story to rest. Final proof that the stunt was planned and not a ‘Wardrobe malfunction’

Like we didn’t work that one out for ourselves!

Janet Jackson’s breast has become the most searched-for image in net history according to this BBC news report.

That seems to be the case here at the newts.net as well. My original link to the tit pic and mini movie below have shown up well in most search engines and as you can see from the pic below the huge majority of hits to the site have come from searches for Janet Jackson’s assets :)

If you’ve been playing the old Penguin Baseball Game lately… You’ll be pleased to know that Pengy gets his man in the end!

Just got me hands on a copy of the Janet Jackson incident on video. Old Justin grabs hold of her top / bra and gives it a damn good yank. What he was expecting to happen I don’t know, but he can hardly call it an accident. Or a ‘Wardrobe Malfunction’… Ha!

Download link

I was looking forward to watching the Superbowl this year and made it to the start of the half time show before I fell asleep, so unfortunately I missed Janet Jackson’s now infamous ‘boob’. There’s stories about it all over the net so I’m not going to bother linking to one… go find that yourself, a decent picture was a bit harder to find though. There’s loads of her covering up with Justin Timberlake having a right oggle, but I thought with all the cameras at ‘the show’ last night, someone must have got a decent action pic. There must be a full on tit pic out there somewhere…

…Result!

But what the fcuk is that ninja star on her nip? What’s that all about then? Do they come in pairs or is it a single nippy type thingy? Answers on a postcard please!