the newts.net

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,”
The father says, “Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit.”

Well it started off ok when I took £10 off Gaz playing Texas Hold’ems round his house with Bov & Pete. Then, after I got home on the net it went down hill rapidly getting dumped out of 2 $25 games without finishing in the money :0(

But hell they don’t call me the Poker Newt for nothing! Infact they don’t call me it at all, but things improved markedly after the initial 2 losses. I hit 3 consecutive 2nd places and 1 3rd place

2nd in a $25 game - - - 2nd in a $25 game

2nd in a $25 game - - - 3rd in a $5 game

Staked = $143.00

Won = $211.50
———————
Tot = $68.50 Profit (£38.00)

Plus Gaz’s £10 :lol: makes £48 profit. If I could do that every day for 3 years I’d be able to pay £CASH for one of these!

I won’t hold my breath :|

A neat but difficult keepie-up game.

Park Soccer —> 944KB [flash .exe file]

I’ve been scouring the wordpress wiki for plugins and new features for the site. Tonight’s findings include:

How long ago… Hover over the time on the post info bar…

And it will tell you how long ago the post was written.

Stat Traq… Click on stat traq under ‘other’ in the menu column…

And it will give you stats on the newts.net

Card… A handy little plugin that allows posters to easily display playing cards without linking to images…

asksqsjs10s9s8s7s6s5s4s3s2s
ahkhqhjh10h9h8h7h6h5h4h3h2h
ackcqcjc10c9c8c7c6c5c4c3c2c
adkdqdjd10d9d8d7d6d5d4d3d2d
Simply typing ah inside the tags: < 'card'> & < '/card'>
displays the Ace of Hearts = ah

Ideal for reminding Bov of brag hands like 7h8c9d Vs 4h4d & 4s

And finally you may have noticed Poster Pic which displays a little picture of the poster on the top left of the post.

Naturally you’ll be seeing plenty of newts
with the odd Gaz
when he climbs the fanny footy leader board you’ll see more Steve
and of course occasionally you’ll glimpse the very lovely Rach
The way he loves pressing buttons this one will be appearing soon!

And I can’t wait to see wez’s first post ;0)

Thanks to the newly, and very APTLY named Kim Winn for the following trio of funnies. They’re obviously rushed off their feet at Millennium Chemicals this morning ;0)

Two girls walking down the street in Spain on holiday. The sun is burning
and they are very hot.
1st girl: “do you think we should take our knickers off? It might cool us
down.”
2nd girl: “I don’t think so, it might be frowned upon.” They walk down to a
market place and spot an old lady eating an enormous piece of melon,
sitting on a bench, knickerless and legs akimbo.

The 1st girl approaches: “is it cooler like that?”
Old lady: “I don’t know about that, but it certainly keeps the flies off my
melon!

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. “Oh, my,”
said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been
blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also
an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” It’s quite ok,” replied the snake.
“Actually, my story is as just like yours. I too have been blind since birth, and
also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over
you, and work out what you are so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d
say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d
say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management.”

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven:
don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
… very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

5 lads in an Audi Quattro are on the hover cat ferry approaching Ireland. When they get there Paddy pulls them over on the border and says Sorry lads, you cant go any further. Why? The driver asks. Because there’s 5 of you and this is an Audio Quattro. What’s that got to do with it asks the driver. Audio Quattro says Paddy, QUATTRO - that means 4 and there’s 5 of you in it. What?? replies the driver, that’s got nothing to do with it, Quattro is just the make of the car, it’s got nothing to do with the number of passengers! Sorry replies Paddy, Quattro means 4, you can’t fool me I’m not stupid. There’s 5 of you and you’re not crossing this border in a Quattro.

The driver can’t believe it. He tells Paddy that he wants to speak to his boss immediately. Sorry says Paddy, no can do. Murphy’s busy right now with 2 wise guys in a Fiat Uno!

2nd place for $13.50…

…And a win for $45!

Anothe $58.50 to add to last night’s $112.50 = $171 in 3 games :0)

Made me laugh!

With the switch over of pc’s there’s kind of a priority or order as to what goes on first. The new pc is looking more familiar every day, but after installing the new sports and the old sterling versions of William Hill Casino, I noticed tonight I was missing my favourite texas holdems site UK POKER. So after downloading and installing it, my account still working fine, I thought I’d have a swift $25 game…

Ahh, still got the poker touch old newts. 1st game back… $112.50 in the sky rocket. Nice ;0) Let’s hope it’s an omen of things to come!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions.

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A T T I T U D E

1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And:

B U L L S H I T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it’s the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

That the web is packed full of video clips featuring other peoples pain, agony and misfortune? What kind of a sick and twisted race are we that we get off on other peoples suffering? I think it’s diabolical.

Anyway, here’s 4 that made me laugh…

This has godda pinch a bit. An inline skater on the ramps takes one in the nads:
Inline Skater —> 1.07MB [wmv file]

This guy could have been seriously dead. He gets his shoelaces caught in a rope swing and takes a hit on the rocks. Nasty.
Rope Swing —> 1.49MB [wmv file]

You don’t see the end result of this one but it can’t be good as a chick flies off the back of a motorbike doing a wheelie.
Flying Pillion —> 709KB [wmv file]

And finally a big one. 11megs of film stunt rider Tracey Latham breaking every bone in his lower body crashing a 170 foot jump. “His legs were pretzels.” Nice :0|
Bike Jump Crash —> 11MB [wmv file]

With the procurement of my digital video camera I quickly came to realise the vast amount of drive space, memory and processing power required to work with and edit digital video on a pc. While my now 4 year old Mesh was state of the art at the time, and is still reasonably powerful by today’s standards, I felt now was the time to go for MORE POWER!
So the Mesh:
80 gig HDD
1.1 gig AMD Athlon processor
256k ram

Has been replaced with the Tiny:

200 gig HDD
3.4 gig Pentium 4 - Hyper Threading processor
1 gig ram
Twin DVD drives
256MB ATi Radeon 9800 graphics card.

Of course, you can’t have more computing power without an upgrade of AUDIO power. So a set of Logitech z-680’s from the nice people at Pix Mania were the order of the day :0)

500+ watts of lug busting dts theatre surround sound. Nice.

“Logitech’s latest and most expensive computer speakers are truly world class.”

So the aquisition of more power complete, the switch over begins. It’s a case of transferring everything over from the old to the new pc, getting everything to look familiar once again. You don’t realise how many programs, music files, pictures and various other folders full of data you have until you sit infront of a shiny new pc with nothing on it except free cell! I’m well under way but there’s still plenty to do before I can confidently begin to clean out the Mesh ready for it’s new owner.

Hence, after the web site spent a spell in cyber wilderness after I dumped the useless ukhost4u hosts and switched to dataflame, I’m afraid updates and ongoing sitebuilding is again relegated to the back burner while I get completely back up and running on the new pc.

During the switch over, with it all being “local”, I haven’t spent much time on the net myself. So I’ll be having a day or so scanning the www for all the good stuff that I’ve missed in the last two or three weeks, and fingers crossed, within a week or so there should be a whole host of goodies and updates of the best of the net here on the newts.

Watch this space! ;0)

newts.