the newts.net

I’ve been getting quite a lot of hits to the site from people using search engines and searching for ‘Rach’. It was a bit of a mystery from which search engine they were coming from, but after much searching about and analysing logs for the newts.net I eventually sussed it out. They weren’t normal searches they were Image searches coming from Yahoo.

I was more than pleasantly surprised to find out that a Yahoo Image Search for Rach returned 17,540 results, of which the pic of our Rach with lil sis Jo was NUMBER 1!

I don’t know how on earth we got to Number 1 with it, I’d like to though! Strange thing is, as if that wasn’t spooky enough, check out the 2nd picture. COURTNEY! Our Rach’s surname!

Try it out for yourself. Click here for Yahoo Images, type in rach and hit the Search Images button.

I’m glad I found this on the net, because if someone else hadn’t have captured it I was going to. It’s fantastic!

Enjoy at your leisure, the new…

Citroen C4 advert —> [2.27 MB .wmv file]

Currently touring local blues nights and venues, our Steve’s opening the set with his solo acoustic blues for John and Andy known as Blues on Tap.

Andy (aka Mr. G) is a great singer, I’ve heard him several times before solo, but I was pleasantly impressed by John’s fast finger lead guitar blues. So impressed it was a shame he was playing to backing tracks. He’d sound great as part of several piece band like Mister Sister for example.

Their next gig is at the Charltons Club in Cleethorpes on Wednesday 1st December at 8:30pm. We’ll be taking a small entourage along for an hour or two of the blues before a night of swilling lager, shooting pool and probably an Indian at the Agrah. Who knows, it’s on a Wednesday night, it might even be a prelim to a night at the Bags Ball at the Wintergardens!

In the mean time, have a free download. This is Steve Newton and the 1951 Big Bill Broozny blues number Black, Brown and White.

Steve Newton - Black, Brown and White —> [14.1 MB .wmv file]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker
“10″ replies the Essex girl
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the Essex girl “its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER’S
READY or WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the
perturbed council.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
garment on the counter.
“I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” she says.
“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear as he was a bit
deaf. “No” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says “Choose from our range on the wall.”
She says “I’ll take the red one.”
The man replies “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped
and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some
questions?”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Sharon.”
Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”
Sharon: “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon: “Romford, mate.”

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Treacle, I just heard
on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please
be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There’s hundreds
of them!”

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there’s
blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of car
till she’s lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.”
Sharon: “Ok.”
Medic: “Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?”
Sharon: “Oh my god I’m paralysed from the waist down!”

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is
wearing.She says, “Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why
doz
one of your wellies ‘ave an L on it and the uva one’s got an R on it ?
So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and
replies, “Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it
is for me right foot and the one with the L is for me left foot”
“Cor! exclaims the Essex girl, “So THAT’S why me knickers ‘ave
got C&A on them.

Thanks to Kim for these gems!

Oh dear!

WHOOPS!

More power!

Firstly, unlike Wez who was quick to use his new found posting ability to DISS the newts, may I take this opportunity to wish Tracy a Very Happy Birthday. It was after all the only reason we were all out karting anyway. So HB chuck, and as you said, your first one as Mrs. Tracy Oliver! May there be many more.

My fondest memory of the Birthday Girl ;0)

As for the Karting…

10 of us raced 5 at a time through 11 heats (4 laps), 2 semi finals (5laps) and a final (6 laps). Overall 2 hours of racing.

Craig & Stewart are Karting gurus with a lot more experience than the rest of us. And it showed! Me and Rach were 1st timers, although you wouldn’t know looking at the results…

FASTEST LAPS:

CRAIG ——- 0:51.54
STEWART—-0:52.07
WEZ———-0:53.01
NEWTS——-0:54.17
BOV———-0:54.66
TRACY——-0:54.68
PETE———0:55.60
TONI———0:56.63
RACH———0:58.26
JUDE———1:00.76

FINAL RESULT:

1st —- CRAIG
2nd — STEWART
3rd — NEWTS
3rd — TRACY
5th — BOV
6th — WEZ

I actually finished the final in 2nd position with Tracy just behind in 3rd. This was only because Stewarts kart conked out on the 4th lap of the final. It wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t as if we were going to catch him so rightly he was promoted to 2nd and me & birthday girl Trace shared third.

The podium - a ‘Wez Free’ zone :0)

So in conclusion; Wez may spin you all sorts of stories about bumper cars and (un)gentlemanly conduct, but that’s racing. When 4 karts are careering towards the first hairpin bend that’s wide enough for 2 carts there’s going to be SOME jostling for position. The marshalls all round the track kept a close eye on us, and not once was I flagged for bumping. They know quality competitive driving when they see it!

Anyway, he’s only jealous cos he didn’t get one of these…

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, come last in the final. Enough said.

Don’t go karting with the webmaster Newts. He’s a dirty old man who cares neither for the karts nor for his ‘mates’. Never first, but never last as he puts everyone else in the tyres, or the barriers. Attempting to overcome an obvious lack of skill by using others as his brakes, his ability and track courtesy leaves a lot to be desired.

Not that I’m a poor loser you understand, even though in the prelims I came first in every race mutter mutter. :)

This is really cool. You’ll be watching it over and over again, and then the more adventurous and creative among you will be trying it out for yourselves.

First, download and watch the vid:

Dragon optical illusion —> [1.5 MB .wmv file]

Then download the template and build one for yourself:

I want one of them Dragon things!

How to trim up your Christmas tree in 25 seconds:

Christmas made easy —> [286KB .wmv file]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes wind and says, “One Nil!”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Equaliser, One All!”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 2-1″
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “All Square 2-2.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little stinky squeaker and says, “She Soots She Scores! 3-2 to me.”
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

This all looks very familiar!

This isnt a nipple slip this is the entire boob slip. Tara Reid was at a party thrown by P-Diddy and her dress fell off her shoulder and somehow she stood their for a full 15 seconds before a lady told her that her boob was hanging out.

Tara Reid does a Janet Jackson!

See the BIG PICTURE!  (1636 x 2605)

Blast from the past:

Janet Jackson’s “wardbobe malfunction pic”.

Janet Jackson’s TITillating moment at the super bowl movie.

It’s Dave’s first day working at the zoo. All was going well until he was sent to the aqaurium to clean out a fish tank. With his hands in the water, a big fish comes speeding over and bites down on his fingers. He grabbed his walkie talkie out of his pocket and whacked the fish smartly on the head. It quickly floated to the top of the tank dead. Not wanting to get into trouble on his first day, quick thinking Dave scooped the dead fish up, and made his way rapidly to the lion’s cage to get rid of the evidence. He tossed the fish to the lion’s who ate it up immediately.

Later that morning he was assigned to mucking out the chimp’s enclosure. Merrily swinging away with his shovel, one of the chimps moved in for a closer look at the new keeper. The chimp picked up a lump of manure and tossed it straight in Dave’s face. Not too happy, Dave chases the chimp round the enclosure and takes a swipe at it with his shovel. With one almighty swing he catches it and the chimp next to it and kills them both stone dead.
Horrified, Dave gathers up the dead chimps and swiftly makes off in the direction of the lions cage. A quick glimpse round and with no one watching he tosses the chimps into the cage where the lions gobble them up instantly.

On the way back to the chimp enclosure Dave passes the apiary, where a stream of bees fly out, one of them stinging him on the back of his neck. Thoroughly pissed off by now Dave slashes franticly at the bees with his shovel and splatters hundreds of them all over the grass. Again not wanting anyone to see the carnage, he shovels all the mashed up bees and quickly launches them into the lions cage. Once again the lions can’t believe their luck and munch all the bees.

Later in the evening the zoo was taking delivery of a new lion, rescued from another zoo that was closing down. The new lion was introduced to the others in the enclosure where he turned to the resident lions and said “So lads, what’s the food like in this joint then?”

“Well”, one of them replied, “It’s been pretty damn good today”…

“We’ve had Fish, Chimps and mushy Bees!”

Christmas World - East Ravendale.

Someone’s getting excited… “OOOOoooohh”

I thought it may have been a late Halloween “Trick or Treat’er” or an early “Penny for the Guy’er”, but oh no…

Jesus! Is it me or are these things getting BIGGER every year?

Congratulations to Wez ‘Spielberg’ Brown…

…on his 3rd place in this year’s Meniscus Film Festival at our local independent cinema, the Whitgift Film Theatre. The theme of this year’s competition was “What on Earth”, and our Wesley produced a fact ridden public information style broadcast, the synopsis of which was our need to reduce waste and recycle more.
An exposition very close to his heart.

You can download Wez’s film here:
What On Earth —> [38MB .ram file]

And Wez’s 2003 competition entry under the theme of “Atmosphere” is available here:
Playback —> [40MB .ram file]