the newts.net

Sorry abut the lack of posts recently but I’m engaged in other projects at the mo. Normal service will resume soon. I think!

…But not all those parts flying through the air look like they belong to a racing car!

JORDAN / KATIE PRICE’S WEDDING DRESS:

A TOILET ROLL HOLDER:

It doesn’t take long does it. Days after a a huge disaster the jokes start flooding in!

The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours that the annual carnival is to be cancelled.
They expect to have a record number of floats this year.

They build a city below sea level and fill it with blacks.
Who said the Americans were stupid!

Of course, America is saying that the flooding in New Orleans is down to Al Quaeda.
They reckon they’ve got evidence that it was caused by a suicide plumber.

Apparently New Orleans police have finally recognized 4 colored gentlemen found in the floods.
The Drifters.

New Orleans, doesn’t look so new now. Famous for music, jazz to be precise.
So what the fuck were Katrina and The Waves doing there?

found by paul beckett.

I just wanted everyone to know what a fantastic man my Grandad was and what a send off we gave him. He was cremated on the 12th of September 2005 and would have been so proud. The guard of honour was present along with Grandad’s family and friends. It was a an honour to be there. His nephew performed the service, Peter Davey, and I will remeber it forever because it was so personal and happy. We were there to remember Grandads happy memories which will live on forever. I love my Grandad so much he was such a big part of my life I will never forget him and I will pass on my good memories to Ben who he loved so much. Grandad you were the best, I respected you and loved you and will miss you so much. x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x.

Rachel.x.

I’m just reading a thread on the BBC News website regarding all the panic buying of fuel. After I got about half way down the long list of everyone’s doom and gloom stories I find this post:

I’ve put extra air in my bicycle tyres just in case.
Paul Doherty, United Kingdom

Fantastic! I’m still laughing now.

I love this little excerpt from this article written by Aussie John Huxley in December 04:

“The Pakistanis are being signed up for psychological counselling. The Kiwis have limped away, licking their wounds. The Indians are still recovering from a hiding on their own, brown, brown grass of home. And many of the other so-called cricketing nations around the world are in disarray.

But former captain and current team selector Allan Border has the perfect answer for all those fans now lamenting Australia’s long run of lopsided Test triumphs. Bring on the Poms!

Seriously. “I know they’ve said it all before, but I really think the English are on the way back. They’ve learned from the way Australia does things, put together a useful team and I’m hopeful this time that they can provide us with some really hard-fought games.”

Bring on the Poms indeed, and we’ll do more than provide you with some really hard-fought games, we’ll whip your cork dangling, XXXX swilling, kangaroo hide arses into the bargain!

What an absolutely fantastic and well deserved culmination to the summer spectacle that is already being dubbed in some very expeienced cricket circles as the best ashes series EVER. A fantastic team performance where, to coin an Americanism, someone always ’stepped up to the plate’ when it really mattered. Freddie Flintoff - man of the series - obviously. Enough said. Ashley Giles’ contribution with the bat, hanging in there when the ship needed steadying - remarkable - something it seems the English tail has lacked for a number of years now. Kevin Pietersen’s heroic century at the Oval - awe inspiring - how on earth did South Africa let HIM slip through their fingers? Trescothick and Strauss the rock that is the opening pair and Vaughny. Vaughny, Vaughny, vaughny. Great inspiration, great leadership, great captain, great guy.

I was brought up playing cricket at school (a rareity now that the government’s sold off all the school playing fields), and have followed where possible every ball of every test match every summer and winter. Even staying up throughout the night listening to overseas tours into the wee small hours of the morning on Five Live or Radio 4’s TMS. And today is like pay day. It’s like 25 years of paydays for the hours I’ve put in. Today we WON THE ASHES! Today we relinquished the arch enemies vice like grip of that tiny little urn they’ve had for far too long that belongs to us. Today the Ashes came home.

I was astounded by this poll on Sky News. The question was Which is the more beautiful game, Football or Cricket. My guess for what it’s worth, before this ashes series, would have been 85% in favour of football. Probably 90%. In the light of what’s gone on, the current result is Cricket - 48.30% (4,475 votes) / Football 51.69% (4,790 votes). Gobsmacked.

Enough of my partisan ramblings about our rapacious rollocking of the boys from down under, lest not we forget it takes two to tango. A huge amount of credit goes to the Aussies for their out and out good sportmanship. They gave their all every step of the way, never said die, and above all were men enough to be magnanimous in defeat. You can never take away from them their amazing achievements reigning supreme over the last 15 years. And let’s be fair, until we beat them on their home turf like they’ve done us for so many years, they are still the best cricket team in the world.

That crown’s taken an almighty whack and slipped precariously today though, er, and we hold the Ashes :0))

With petrol prices at an incredible £1 a litre, unsurprisingly there’s whispers going around at the minute that a return to the refinery blockade fuel protests of 2000 are a very real possibility. There already seems to be signs of increased action at the petrol pumps around here, and the jerry cans seem to be more prevalent than normal.

Fuel protesters in Wales say they will stage a blockade on the M4 next Friday in the wake of rising petrol prices. The Wales protesters plan to stage a 20mph rolling blockade along the M4 from 0700 BST on Friday 16 September.

Mike Greene of the South Wales Hauliers’ Association - who was active in the 2000 fuel protests - said when the protesters returned to Cross Hands they would take a show of hands on whether or not to set up blockades at oil refineries.

What an absolute F*****G B*****D! Down to the last 4 players in a 9 player game of Holdems, needing a 3rd place to finish in the money, I’m dealt pocket rockets AA. With 3 players in the pot, tossing their chips in like there’s no tomorrow, I’m on a definite BIG winner. A bet of 600 goes in, I click raise to double it to 1,200. Nothing happens. I click raise again and again nothing happens. The server’s running slow and my cards are just flashing at me constantly. I can’t do anything. the server decides to pull it’s finger out of its ass, catches up, and because I’ve taken too long to make my decision my pair of aces have been folded. As you can imagine, I was none too happy.

Anyway, that’s poker and them’s the breaks. No amount of bitching is getting my pocket rockets back so learn and move on. Needless to say after dumping 90% of my chips in the bin on that hand I came 4th and won nowt.

You may remember from a few weeks back that the mission was to win the £130 I needed to buy the Tascam portable CD player come guitar tutor. I wanted to buy it but only purely out of winnings. It started with a $20 deposit that needed to be turned in to $260 if I was to get the CD and not forgetting my original $20 stake money back. That night I cashed out $180 so tonight the target was a cool $80.

I stayed positive and focused on the job in hand, putting behind me that sinking feeling of having my AA dumped, and things picked up rapidly from there:

I played 5 x $25 and 3 x $15.

I Won 2 x $25 and 2 x $15 single tournaments.

I was 2nd in 1 x $25 tourney.

I was 3rd in 1 x $25 tourney.

And I finished outside the money in 1 x $25 and 1 x $15 tourneys.
——————————–
TOTAL STAKED = $170.
TOTAL WINNINGS = $472.5
——————————–
PROFIT = $302.50

(Or in real money)

£164.50

Mission Accomplished :0)

Happy birthday to our little boy who clocked up the big TWO today. The weather was glorious again, as it was the day he was born and on his first birthday, so we had a fun day in the garden with a bit of a family barbie and serious amounts of present unwrapping! We bought him a garden swing and slide but it didn’t arrive in time so we’ll be doing the whole party thing again when it turns up. Any excuse for a barbie and a few beers. Tomorrow we’re off to Halifax to the EUREKA museum. It’s a hands on museum especially for kids (and Dads) so I’m really looking forward to that!