the newts.net

This is a test upload for the forthcoming newts.net podcast.

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the newts test podcast

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower
and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0
no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Regards,

Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically
install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But
remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default
to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a
very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: Whatever you
do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and
will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

——————

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse,
Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as
LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of
GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but
it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down
completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and
Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two
systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up
all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0
could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They
then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also
has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without
warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no
Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional
problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop
Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab
93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an
irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can’t be turned off. Recently
I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A
friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress
2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please.

2 Fantastic new tracks fresh from the South Parade studio featuring our Oli on lead vocals, along with James, Shaun and Tim.

You can check them out at South Parade’s new My Space site by clicking the pic above, or have a listen for yourself right here:

Golden Dawn —> Listen to the track in the Media Library
Play
Illusion —> Listen to the track in the Media Library
Play

Just as I get the site looking quality in my browser of choice Firefox, I have a wander over to what seems to be the worlds browser of choice, Internet Explorer, and the site just isn’t rendering properly and looks shite.  So while I sort out a cool looking theme that works properly in both I.E. & Firefox, you’ll just have to make do with this bog standard one.

Bear with us though, things will start looking a little more exciting day by day!

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache”.

“Perfect!” her husband replies, I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it’s up to you!

***

A funeral service is being held for a woman who’s just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump the corner into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and to their disbelief find that the woman is actually still alive. The woman goes on to live for another ten years before she finally dies peacefully at home.

The funeral ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end, the pall bearers are again carrying the casket out.

The husband turns around, catches a glimpse of them, and cries out…

“MIND THE WALL!”

***

A little girl is waiting in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you this Christmas?” The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and an Action Man.” Santa looks at the girl for a moment, slightly puzzled, and replies, “But I thought Barbie comes with Ken?”

“No”, said the little girl, “Barbie comes with Action Man, she only fakes it with Ken.”

Former ‘Glam Rocker’ and convicted paedophile Paul Gadd aka Garry Glitter, pictured here live at the reading of the verdict at his trial in Vung Tau (Vietnam), is sentenced to 3 years in a squalid Vietnamese jail. As he left the court with a look of disbelief, he grabbed the microphone and shouted he was innocent and it was all a conspiracy!?

In his hey-day he sold 21 million records, a few weeks ago he faced the possibility of the firing squad. A grander fall from grace is hard to imagine.

You thought he might have learned from his conviction and jail sentence for possession of child pornography here in the UK, but no, he hot footed it to Cambodia. Even the 3rd world Cambodians saw through him and expelled him from their country. He ends up in a beach side villa in Vietnam, buying off women to lure kids to his home so he can “teach them English”, and when he gets found out he gets caught at the airport trying to hot foot it once again.

3 years in prison? For this evil and twisted, re-offending, remorseless psycho? They should have done the next country he’s going to be deported to in 18 months a big favour and shot the fucker.

UPDATE: Glitter’s appeal is rejected.

I’ve been kept relatively busy this week building a website for me mate Steve Love and his band. Although the band are well seasoned, it’s ther first website and it’s up and running pretty much inside a week.

They’re a great party and function band, being able to tailor themselves to any venue and situation. A great all-round sound and above all else, just a bunch of reallly nice guys.

Last time we had them for a function they came with their stand in bass player Andy Needham. Jesus he can slap that bass with some speed and style. We had a bit of an impromptu open mike / jam session after the gig performance where he, and several of the members of staff were able showcase their real talents. I think it’s fair to say that Andy is a little younger than the rest of the band, afterall he’s 1st reserve bass and not usually in the starting lineup, and his real calling is with his other band Boy On A Dolphin. I seem to remember him talk of his band being signed for £100,000+, going to the US to record, and subsequently pissing it all up the wall. Rock and Roll ;0)