the newts.net

Got Ben’s mine, got yours? It would be nice to have a full Panini the year England win the World Cup. I’ll be keeping my part of the bargain, just up to England to keep theirs!

Books cost £1.20, stickers are 35p for 5 with 596 to collect. I make that around £42 for the full collection, but that doesn’t include duplicates, so swapsies will play an important part in keeping the cost down. Good thing is that you can order up to 50 specific stickers direct from Panini to complete your collection, so once you’re down to wanting 50 or less you’re laughing.

Books and stickers are available at all good news agents so why not give it a go, it’s just like being back in the school yard with all the excitement of our best chance to win the World Cup in decades.

You can check out the Panini site here, and don’t forget to get in touch if you’ve got any swappers!

Oh no we aint, cos the damned Aussie builders haven’t finished the place yet! Gutted, the West Hammers would have been the first club to play at the new Wembley stadium in the 2006 FA Cup Final!! Still, can’t complain, because now we’ve just done Borough on their home turf, we’ll just have to do them scousers at the Milennium Dome in Cardiff instead.

Strange thing is, West Ham were the first ever club to play at the old Wembley in the 1923 FA Cup Final!

Unfortunately it wasn’t a winning day for the Iron, Bolton Wanderers beat us 2-0.

That April day was marked by some unprecedented scenes. Before the match a huge crowd outside the stadium rushed the gates, burst through the barriers and swarmed onto the field of play. More than 200,000 people attempted to squeeze into a ground that had been built to accommodate 125,000.

It took forty-five minutes after the time fixed for the kick-off for mounted police to clear the pitch, with PC George Scorey and his white horse “Billy” particularly visible. The first Wembley goal came only a couple of minutes after the delayed start, and David Jack, Bolton’s inside-right, was the scorer. Eight minutes into the second period Bolton scored another, clinching goal. John Smith took a pass from Vizard on the left and sent in a half-volley. The ball hit the back of a net pulled tight by the crowd behind it and rebounded back into play.

What an absolute fcuking disgrace. I still can’t beleive it. Man U awarded a £30,000 lottery grant so it can send some of it’s fat staff to the gym for free. Un-fcuking-believable.

What’s more is that fact that this is disgraceful on a number of counts. Firstly, what possesed the richest / 2nd richest club in the world to ask for this money? Secondly what on earth were the lottery thinking in awarding it to them? And finally the gall of Man U for accepting it! How can this mega rich club who pays some of it’s players 4 times that amount every WEEK defraud desperately and genuinely needy causes. It’s disgusting. I sincerely hope the powers that be at Man U, and their BILLIONAIRE owner see sense very quickly and refuse or divert this money to a worthy cause. If not their name is going to be severely dragged through the mud, and they deserve every second of it.

A local charity where I live is trying to finance and build a hydrotherapy pool for profoundly disabled children. A resource that would give a number of severely disabled young children some respite from their daily pain and a little but of fun and excitement at the end of every day. The charity applied for some lottery funding, the lottery said NO. Go figure.

The Daily Mail summed it up perfectly. “Obscene”.

I must admit that I was quite amused by the Labour party’s latest offering on the party political broadcast front featuring Dave the Chameleon, a little blue lizard spoof of David Cameron that changes colour to match his political environment. It’s an amusing little political broadcast, but I can’t see how it’s going to do the Labour party any favours. Why? Well:

1. The Labour party are now very obviously running scared of Cameron, enough to devote an entire party political broadcast to villainize him.
2. The fact Labour’s message is entirely negative suggests to me that they’ve got nothing positive of their own to say.
3. Is Cameron’s ability to address and appeal to a broad range of the political spectrum a bad thing?
4. Is Portraying the Conservative party as a changing and evolving party a good move for the famously re-branded yet politically stagnant NEW Labour? I think not.

It smacks of a desperate attempt to slur the opposition while the present government is running scared and running out of ideas to redress the bollix they’ve made of the country thus far. And do we really need our tax pound notes spent on spoof websites, podcasts and mobile phone ring tones when the NHS is verging on chaos and the rest of the world has it’s eyes firmly fixed on Iran’s next move.
I look forward to seeing a positive Conservative broadcast, I beleive it’s entitled ‘Vote Blue - Go Green’. The Green party may not be too pleased, but Friends of the Earth seem mighty pleased that Cameron is bringing crucial environmental issues to the political forefront. Just as Labours pledges are falling by the wayside.

But what’s funniest of all, the spoof has already been parodied:

Meet TONY the Chameleon!

Found a nice little site tonight with a handful of classic games on.  Check out Asteroids on the full screen setting.  Quality.  You can also kill a tea break on Space Invaders, Tetris, Snake, Tic Tac Toe, etc.  Simple, unflasshy and full of game play.

neave games. 

…For a story about a gay bloke found with an anally probed gay floater in his pool:

From Sky News - “New Barymore Probe”

Well, it made me snigger :0)

The BBC were a little more subtle.

Congratulations to Suzi & Garry on their latest addition to the Ornsby clan. Safe and well with all bits and bobs accounted for and in the right places, their new baby was born on Easter Friday 14th April just after 9:30am.

Rach getting in some practice for our impending arrival!

Names of choice before the arrival favoured a return to something a little more traditional such as ‘George’ or ‘Harry’ or ‘Albert’, but then the midwife pointed out to Gaz that an ‘Innie’ tig-tag meant the baby was actually a girl! So the new arrival is as yet nameless though rumour has it that ELLIE is the new front runner.

A beautiful daughter for Jez Garry & Suze, and a whole new world of sisterly fun for Sian, Sophie and little Jenna. Well done all involved! (Suzi & the Milk Man).

And further Conratulations to Karen & Crif with the birth just a few weeks earlier of their new baby son Kristofer.

Born a healthy 7lb 12ozs on Saturday morning 18th March, yes morning, so Crif had to get out of bed before he would even if he was at work! Again all’s well and working as it should be, including an ‘outie’ tig-tag. A baby brother to menace his two older sisters Beth & Lolly.

I’m thinking about getting a season pass for the maternity hospital this year, it seems like one in - one out at the moment!

Found this really nice little desktop guitar tuner tonight. Not a lot of use if you snap a top E string live on stage, but really handy when you’re sat infront of your pc with your guitar to hand.

Download the guitar tuner from the Media Library.

It’s a .rar compressed flash file. If you don’t have .rar decompressing software you can download it for free here.

With the news that Bird Flu has inevitably made it over to the UK…

…The reserve price on the newts’ supply of Tamiflu tablets has just TREBLED!

Shame to see the first recorded case in Fife, home of the beautiful Loch Fitty where me and Willie had a fantastic long weekend of fly fishing not so long back.

At last, someone in the legal limelight expressing a common sense view over the farcical and I fear irretrievable political correctness that is rapidly turning this country into a joke.

Judge labels case ‘PC gone mad’

Why it is that in Britain today, faceless bureaucrats whose names aren’t even known, apparently have the power to impose legal restrains on the speech of other citizens? And they can apparently do this without any law being passed through parliament, in complete defiance of the will of the vast majority, and without any form of accountability.

So isn’t it about time someone started a common sense party to sort this lot out? No, it’s too late. Just like it’s too late to stop the ‘Jobs for the Boys’, ambulance chasing, litigious leeches that are personal injury lawyers.

“financial rewards on offer to those who “farm” or generate claims - whether on the street, by telephone or door-to-door - encourage fraud.”
Well bugger me, who’d have thought that!

“Local authorities spent £20m in 2003 on road-related compensation, mostly on people’s “slip-and-trip” injuries. This figure is expected to rise to £30m annually within three years.” And whose taxes are paying that £30M bill I wonder?

Next time you ’slip & trip’, you don’t need a personal injury lawyer, you need to watch where you’re going and be more careful. And let’s put our £30M of taxes to better use than lining the pockets of fraudulent lawyers. Just an idea, but how about putting a permanent roof over the heads of the 100,000 children who have no home in the fourth richest country in the world.

So, here’s the story… Jim says to his girlfriend Alison that any stupid website could get tons of hits, simply because people are bored all the time. She said that he was an idiot and couldn’t make a website that could get tons of hits if he wanted to. After a long argument (mostly centered around the fact that she called him an idiot) they made a bet:

If he could not make a website to get 2,000,000 hits within a year, he would agree that I was an idiot and wear a t-shirt testament to the fact for a whole week; however, if he could make a website to get 2,000,000 hits within a year, she would have a threesome with him and another girl. He thought she was kidding at the time, but then she said she was so sure of herself, that she would even put it in writing.

23 days after making the bet, Jim clocks up 2 million unique hits!

Baby Ben’s getting a new playmate around the 17th of October! :0))

Even though 90% of those of you who’ve seen Rach lately seemed to know already, and we’ve known for 2 months now, it’s nice to see the evidence.

So is baby a boy or girl?  Well with Ben we found out at 21 weeks, but we’re not sure whether or not to find out with the new baby.  This scan shows the baby at 11 weeks and we can find out if, we choose to, at 21 weeks on the second scan.  I’m pretty sure that this one is a girl though.  Things with mum just seem really different to when she was carrying Ben, so much so, I’m already Christening this scan BABY BROOKE!  And as a few have noticed already, she’s even laid the opposite way round to where Ben was…

…The sniff of motorbike fumes. I don’t know what it is but I’m REALLY missing my motorbike just lately. More than at any other time in the last 3 years since I sold it to finance more immediate priorities, i.e. Baby Ben. It’s a killer when you’re stuck in slow moving traffic on a sunny spring day and you see bike after bike just cruise past you on a rideout. That used to be me :0( And to be brutally honest, that situation is probably not going to be redressed anytime soon. But hey, you can dream, and there’s no harm in looking!

The 2006 Suzuki GSXR750 :0)

What a gorgeous bike. A featherweight 163Kg, it’s even lighter than my Honda CBR 600F was! But, as much as you can’t beat the buzz of rolling that throttle back of a supersports on what seems unending and fierce acceleration, I think my next bike (and there will be a next bike) will have to be something a little less lethal, a little more comfortable, and I’m leaning towards something with some serious bottom end grunt instead of 180mph redlines. I’m thinking V-Twin. Or am I just under the influence of too many episodes of OCC?

Whenever it happens, whatever I choose, I definitely wont be doing 130mph wheelies and 180mph on the motorway:

Onboard Bike Camera

This is just amazingly wierd. I don’t think it’s fake, but I thought that goldfish were supposed to have a 3 second memory span - remember that Jasper Carrot sketch? Anyway, check it out, it’s cool all the same.

Synchronised Goldfish.

The 1st Affair: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?” The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair: A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home “I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

The 4th Affair: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, ” pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.” No more was said, not even when they went to bed Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer “Here,” he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

The 5th Affair: A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” “One Cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” “A nickel,” the barman replied. “A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.” The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

The 6th Affair: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.” “There’s no need to, ” his wife replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!” “I know,” she replied, ” now just rest and let the poison work.”

Me mate Lee’s got a couple of mobile phones he’s trying to offload.

The first is an almost new Nokia with camera (a huge 4.1 mega pixels!) and the other is an earlier model Nokia with camera and vibrating alert.

Have a look at the pics and let me know if you’re interested. Also send to any of your mates who may need a phone.

Check the photos of them, and email me with any offers.

Cheers, newts…

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