the newts.net

CONGRATULATIONS! to brand new Mum & Dad Jo & Steve on the birth of the first baby Indie Rose.

Indie was delivered by Jo herself in the birthing pool.  She arrived at 8:16pm on Saturday 18th October 2008, weighing in at 6lb 7ozs (2.92kg).

Everything went swimmingly (no pun itended!) and Mum, Dad & Indie are already home.

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The newts turns thirty something (again) :0)
so we celebrated at the Bracky

And just 20 days later, Trace hits the BIG 30!!

So we went to the Agrah to test Bov’s new found curry eating skills. Not usually the most adventurous when it comes to food, Bov is starting to branch out about and now when we go to an Indian he actually orders an Indian instead of the usual Steak & Chips.

Gaz had a particularly hot dish which had some fiery whole chillis in it, which got us on the subject of asking the head waiter what were the hottest chillis they had. Not only did they have the worlds hottest chilli, he offered to get us some to try! Game on!

So apparently this worlds hottest chilli is UK grown and goes by the name of Naga. I was expecting a whole chilli to arrive, but instead a little silver plate with about an eighth of an average size chilli cut into little pieces literally about 3 or 4mm square. We were instructed to just place it on our tongue and take it from there.

And yes, these fellows are DAMN HOT. within seconds of placing this tiny amount on your tongue it was on fire. God knows what would have happened if he did bring a whole one out and someone took a proper bite!

Those of us who didn’t spit the little guy out instantly and lasted more than a minute or so felt safe to chew the Naga and swallow it. The hot feeling stayed with you for a good 15 minutes afterwards.

However, the feeling stayed with Kirsty a bit longer who touched her face with the same finger she picked the chilli piece up with and ended up with a big red mark on her cheek for the rest of the night. Slightly less fortunate was Bov who went for a piss and set his balls on fire. And even less fortunate was Suzi, who simply had to go home ill.

So we may have had a few casualties, but at least we can all say we’ve had the worlds hottest chilli…

The Dorset Naga!

MORE on the Dorset Naga and the worlds hottest chilli from Sky News.

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UPDATE: HITS SO FAR (09/02/07) = 100,007

I NEED YOUR HELP!

I’ve been working on a website or two for my Uncle. He made me a deal…

1 MILLION HITS in exchange for a TWO GRAND LAPTOP!

It’s as simple as that folks. I deliver him 1 million hits (not unique visitors but hits) and he stumps up £2,000 for my new power Laptop. This is where I NEED YOUR HELP!

All you have to do is spend a few minutes (and as many clicks as possible!) browsing his sites. His main site is connected with his art. Newton-Art.com contains samples of Steve’s paintings, drawings and etchings as well as books and academic papers he has had published.

Steve’s latest paper, (recently published in ‘State of Art’ Winter 2006), is entitled…

You may find it an interesting read as it covers methods of painting by voiding bodily fluids. I’ll say no more!

Steve’s other site is online but is still in it’s development phase. It forms a matching pair with his art site, being entitled “Newton-blues.com” and features Steve’s guitar playing and love of the blues. There’s already numerous tunes on the site that you can listen to for free. We hope to be getting some video performances on the site very soon so it’s worth bookmarking and checking back regularly.

My personal favourites are “Candyman“, “Cocaine Lil” AND “Hard Pill to Swallow“. Check the site out, have a listen and let us know what you think. All feedback is greatly appreciated, good as well as bad!

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL – FOR THE SAKE OF ONE MILLION HITS AND MY TWO GRAND LAPTOP – PLEASE RACK UP THOSE HITS!!

SO, LOYAL NEWTS DOT NETTERS, SEND THIS LINK TO ALL YOUR MATES AND HELP ME OUT. I’LL KEEP YOU POSTED ON MY PROGRESS.

[COPY AND PASTE THIS LINK INTO AN EMAIL AND SPREAD THE WORD] —>

http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2007/01/21/help/

Thank you ;0)

the newts.

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Happy Birthday to our little mate Ben. He’s the BIG 3 Today. I can’t wait to get stuck into the CAT lego construction kit, Buckaroo, Operation, Tin Can Alley, the Bosch drill set etc. etc. Just so I can explain how they work to Ben you understand ;0)

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Wow, ‘Baby’ Jenna hits the BIG 2.  A small gathering of the rich, famous and privileged made the guest list @ Chez Ornz to celebrate Jenna’s  entry in to the ‘terrible twos’.

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Sadly, SOUTH PARADE as we know them have split up.

From their site:
“south parade are no more. Fuelled by personality clashes and musical indifference the band have deceided to call it a day.

The lads would like to thank ALL of the bands that have supported south parade over the past 3 years, everyone who has been to the gigs and of course everyone who has viewed the website. Everyone in the band will go away with great memories of some amazing times.”

According to sources close to the band, James is going to be engaged in DJ’ing and mixing, including remixing some of the local indie scene’s tunes. Shaun continues to play with his covers band Relish, and I’m sure it won’t be long before sensible “Fingers” Freeman is back on the local indie circuit. He’s too good to lie idle for long.

Which leaves Oli & Tim who have gone on to form a new band, the NORTHERN LIGHTS.
Included in the lineup are Tim’s brother Pete Chapman on lead guitar and the mighty Dave Sprawka on bass. It’s early days yet but already web gurus Jamie & John have sewn the seeds of the band’s new website which you’ll find with a single click around about here: www.myspace.com/northernlightsgy

There’s already the beginnings of a great new tune called “Bring It On” on the site for you to hear, but just wait until the lads have it recorded with the full ensemble, It’s gonna rock. You’ll see more on the development of the band here on the newts.net, but be sure to check out the band’s new site and leave them a message or two.

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…”Not just the fish with the biggest dick in ocean, but it is also a country!”
Ali G.
And it was the destination of choice for Wez to spend his stag do.

The very picturesque North Wales town of DOLGELLAU to be precise. You probably couldn’t get further from your typical stag do destination than the gorgous little spot where we stayed; the Main House just outside Dolgellau on the A470. A huge 4 storey place, pretty basic inside but it had all we needed; loads of bedrooms, a barbeque, a pool table, a table tennis table and scenery to die for. Sorted.

It’s just a shame we were only there for 1 night because I’d have loved to tour round the area for a few more days but we managed to get the important stuff done, ie. getting pissed / stoned, singing songs and having a laugh. Wez managed to survive unscathed, but that will be remedied at some point in the not too distant future.

We did get to see the gorgeous Blue Lake. Properly known as Glaslyn, it was the site of the old Britannia copper mine and it’s the copper salts that turn the water blue. It took us ages to find as it’s down the smallest little dead end road without a single sign post indicating it’s whereabouts, and once parked up it’s a substantial walk up the steep sides of the mountain to the remains of an old slate quarry and copper mine where the blue lake formed. When you see it though it’s well worth the knackering journey to get there.

Thanks to Wez for the invite, Bov for the transport, Kurt for the organisation and sound system, and everyone else there who made it a great laugh. There’s plenty more pics here in the Media Library.

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Check out me mate Wez with his mystifying display of card magic. He’s really quite good. Obviously not much work on over at DFDS in the last month, allowing him time to master his card manipulation skills.

Not wanting to blow the illusion here, but according to Wez: “The cards themselves make a difference, because you have to remove the stiffness with a ruler and stuff and then use a card vice to get them flat again, and then use something called fanning powder to get them to spread easily, but I just bent the cards.”

Fanny powder to make them spread easily heh, I’ll have to be having some of that stuff for myself!

I’d love to see WEZ BROWN fingering his flaccid, fanny powdered cards.

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Congratulations to Suzi & Garry on their latest addition to the Ornsby clan. Safe and well with all bits and bobs accounted for and in the right places, their new baby was born on Easter Friday 14th April just after 9:30am.

Rach getting in some practice for our impending arrival!

Names of choice before the arrival favoured a return to something a little more traditional such as ‘George’ or ‘Harry’ or ‘Albert’, but then the midwife pointed out to Gaz that an ‘Innie’ tig-tag meant the baby was actually a girl! So the new arrival is as yet nameless though rumour has it that ELLIE is the new front runner.

A beautiful daughter for Jez Garry & Suze, and a whole new world of sisterly fun for Sian, Sophie and little Jenna. Well done all involved! (Suzi & the Milk Man).

And further Conratulations to Karen & Crif with the birth just a few weeks earlier of their new baby son Kristofer.

Born a healthy 7lb 12ozs on Saturday morning 18th March, yes morning, so Crif had to get out of bed before he would even if he was at work! Again all’s well and working as it should be, including an ‘outie’ tig-tag. A baby brother to menace his two older sisters Beth & Lolly.

I’m thinking about getting a season pass for the maternity hospital this year, it seems like one in – one out at the moment!

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Me mate Daz is a dab hand with a sticker. So good in fact he’s just upsized his business into new premises in Grimsby. Daz can cut signs to any size or specification. Whether it be a shop fascia or a new set of sic ‘go even faster’ stripes for your Nissan Skyline he’s your man. From the biggest job to a single bespoke sticker the size of a stamp Daz can sort you out.

He’s also got a new website up and running and is already taking orders from international clients. So if you’re in the market for some signwork, you’d better be checking in to his website here. Webmastered by me old mate Rick.

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So away we all went for a jolly to the Canaries to see Jo & Steve get married in the gorgeous sunshine of Lanzarote. Jo, Brod and Brod’s family and friends drew the long straw and got to fly from Humberside, while Me, Ben, Rach and the rest of Jo’s family got the short straw and had to bus it down to East Midlands.

We played the usual game of 10 minutes after leaving trying to think of what you’ve forgotten to pack. We thought Rach’s mam was winning after remembering not to remember the bride’s father’s shirt, but then Rach decided to top that by forgetting Ben’s Pram! Oh joy, an over-excited 2 year old toddler heading to the airport for a week in a sun soaked ‘rote and no pram. Both problems were remedied upon our first day in ‘rote when Pat bought a new shirt for Steve from a huge Zara store not far from our appartments, and we hired a buggy from reception for the week for 15 euros.

We were staying in the old town part of Puerto del Carmen just above the harbour, with the Broderick’s down the road in the new town part. We all met up before the wedding and had a great night out in one of the hundreds, and I mean hundreds of Irsh bars dotted around the resort. Needless to say, much of our time was spent in said Irish Bars. Oh, and an hour or two in the sports bar next to our apartments where you could place a bet behind the bar. Handy.

Me, Bill & Steve spent the day before the wedding out at sea doing a spot of fishing off the coast of Fuerteventura. It was a wonderful boat trip in wonderful weather, but don’t believe the pictures – all we caught was rays. SUN rays not STING rays!

And so to the wedding which took place in, yes you guessed it, an Irish bar! Well not so much a bar but a fabulous little complex overlooking the sea which comprised of a large open air veranda where the ceremony took place, a huge dining area, and then just a stumble to night do in the Irish bar. It was a fantastic day, the bride looked heavenly, the groom handsome, the bride’s maids beautiful and the page boy cute! Everything went swimmingly, including Steve’s (the father of the bride) long awaited speech.

The last few days of our hols were spent entertaining Ben in the swimming pools, he loved them. They were pretty cold but with the temperature hitting 27 – 28 degrees every day, they were a welcome cool down. The little pool where he could stand up all the way across was where he spent most of his waking hours, but with the addition of a small rubber ring, he loved being towed along the big pool by Jo and Rach.

More poolside funnies included Rach’s grandad Roy teaching Steve how to perform the perfect dive. And while there was nothing wrong with his technique, the integrity of the elastic in his swimming shorts left little to the imagination!

A great fun holiday with loads of family and friends, I hope we can do it again next year. You can see the rest of the pictures here.

One other thing that I thought was postworthy, after a night out, several tots of ‘wizzie’ on our patio and the inevitable onset of singing and joke telling, we got on the subject of Monty Python sketches. Specifically the Philosophers Drinking Song. While I did a reasonable job of remembering some of the lyrics, Bill managed to recall about 80% of the song. A tremendous feat when you’re sober – made all the more remarkable when you’re pissed! So if it’s been a while since you’ve heard it try this. And the words we spent all night remembering?…

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ‘ya ’bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And René Descartes was a drunken fart:
“I drink, therefore I am.”
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he’s pissed.

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Even though he’s been back for a week, he still hasn’t been arsed to write anything! Newts, sort it!
In other news, may I wish the webmaster a very *Coughtyth* birthday. Happy birthday newts, and hope you have a good ‘un!
Special Beans on Toast order of the day.

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So me and Rach had a trip down to the local college drum bar to see the latest episode of “South Parade – The Band” unfold.

First on stage was Nick Austwick, a hardened writer and performer but usually in his solo guise. Today he fledged his new band Turning Tides. Before the gig started I was informed of the somewhat lengthy sound check and a unanimous vote of no confidence in the sound guy. He wasn’t good, and Nick’s sound suffered a little at the start. But after a few minutes that was rectified to an acceptable level.

I liked their sound. No drummer (that’s pending) just acoustic, lead and bass guitars. I’m looking forward to hearing more from them and I’m sure they will be on the set list of many a forthcoming South Parade gig.

Next up were the quality rock outfit Sonic Purveyors (aka the sonics). I loved their first track, and their whole set has a definite air of polished performance. They have a great stage presence, especially Simon’s vocal and physical exertions. Consensus seems to be they could easily move further up the scene.

Then the parade boys took the stage. First song up was at the mercy of dodgy the sound guy on the mixing deck, but he finally pulled his finger out of his ass and sorted it out. I thought it was another well rehearsed gig, well executed by all, and with the drum bar pretty full and buzzing there seemed to be an extra slice of passion in their performance. “Ben” was brilliant, loved it.

Looking forward to their next outings on Thursday 20th October at the Spiders Web in Grimsby, and why not join me on my birthday as we descend on the bright lights of Cleethorpes and the Bootlegger on Friday 4th November. A great night guaranteed – music or no music ;0)

Other memorable moments of the night included:

1) A veritable plethora of women describing the lesbian love scene they’d just witnessed in the toilets. Not once but 3 times and involving different birds each time. Unfortunately the information only made it back to the male fraternity once the action was over. Again, not once but all 3 times :0(

2) Gaz’s indepth and unabridged lecture on the design, installation, setup and workings of the drum bar’s air conditioning system. (Which he fitted). Very thorough, including an external viewing of the outdoor units.

3) The emergance of Tim’s lovely girlfriend Aimee. Finally we can quosh a few of those rumours.

4) Tim’s new hairdo.

5) The very sad news that Tim’s hawk “Kes” had finally succumbed to living with Tim and decided to hang himself. Please feel free to sign the very sentimental and touching book of condolance that subsequently appeared on the South Parade website.

Excerpts of which include:

“oh and Kes is dead you heard it here first, tim was upset for a few minutes and then realised he loves killing animals so alls well that ends well”

” RIP kes. i personally think kes’ death was suicide…i dont know many birds of prey (hetrosexual ones anyway) that enjoy living in solitary confinment inside a childs play house with only a dead baby black bird, a rirfle and some rabbit heads for company!”

” suicide was my first thought, but the autopsy found him with a tiny gimp mask and a penis size hole where his arse used to be. Tim is definately a serious animal lover. “

” get fucked you lot kes is now in my freezer”

” Any one fancy sparrow hawk and chips round at tims tonight. ha ha “

R.I.P. ‘Kes’. 2005 – 2005

James’ thoughts.

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I just wanted everyone to know what a fantastic man my Grandad was and what a send off we gave him. He was cremated on the 12th of September 2005 and would have been so proud. The guard of honour was present along with Grandad’s family and friends. It was a an honour to be there. His nephew performed the service, Peter Davey, and I will remeber it forever because it was so personal and happy. We were there to remember Grandads happy memories which will live on forever. I love my Grandad so much he was such a big part of my life I will never forget him and I will pass on my good memories to Ben who he loved so much. Grandad you were the best, I respected you and loved you and will miss you so much. x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x.

Rachel.x.

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Another year older, another year uglier. So to celebrate Wez’s 30 something year in existance, we all went bowling yesterday. In short Toni won the 1st game, Gaz won the second game, and I came second in both with the highest aggregate score overall. Which was nice as earlier in the day, not only did I beat Gaz on his home golf course, I beat Willie for the first time too! Quality :0)

In Other News: There’s a couple of funny posts I’ve got pending but I can’t post them yet as they are to do with Wez’s present, which hasn’t arrived yet, so they’re gonna have to wait until he’s got it.

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After an undercover late night session involving 40 posters and a pot of of wallpaper paste, the South Parade lads receive a call from the council’s Poster Police department and are forced to spring into action with OPERATION CLEAN-UP!

If by some remote chance you didn’t see one of their adverts for the latest set of gigs, you’ll want to be paying a visit to their website.

Forthcoming gigs include:

Thurs July 7th ‘05 – The Fiddler, Cleethorpes
SOUTH PARADE + Richard Dutton + Guy Keeble (DJ)
Admission £2.50

Where the newts and a small entourage will be in attendance for filming, photographic duties and generally a good piss up with the obligatory after gig trip to the Indian.

The Band however will have to take things somewhat steadier because the next day they will be jetting it, or more probably, vaning it down to the Junktion7 club in Nottingham to support The Lovers, the brainchild of Tom Hingley who was the lead singer in The Inspiral Carpets.

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And the inaugural Newton Invitational Jug Golf competition.

So away the 10 of us went to the De Vere at Slaley Hall for an overnight jolly and a round of golf on the wonderful championship Hunting Course. Bov, Trace, Wez, Tones, Pete and Jackie were off early morning, and Me, Gaz, Rach & Suzi followed later on in the afternoon. Obviously Bov needed to get off early to fit his Burger King pit stops in. It’s nice to see all that hard work at the gym is paying dividends!

It’s a beautiful part of the country Northumberland, and Slaley Hall is equal to it’s surroundings. We met up in the bar, and had the snooker room all to ourselves where we shot a few frames and sank a few beers. A very relaxing start to a lovely weekend.

The evening meal was nice, nothing exceptional for the price we paid, but the service left a lot to be desired. And when we found out that they’d given Bov’s birthday cake to the wrong party then words had to be said. They were, and we received £150 off the bill. That at least went some way to easing the pain!

Next morning it was up bright and early ready for the days golfing action to find the weather was damp, wet and generally miserable. Such a shame as the previous day was glorious. Still we weren’t going to let it dampen the spirits so off onto the first tee we went.

Newts was towing his trolley, Pete was carrying, Gaz had his PowaCaddy and birthday Bov was in the privilaged position of being chauffeured around in the buggy by camera man Wez.

It’s a glorious championship course is Slaley, beautiful, but difficult with it. We were playing Stroke Play so every stroke counted and the results were as follows…

1st – Garry Ornsby – 101 gross – 84 nett.
2nd – Scott Newton – 115 gross – 87 nett.
3rd – Peter Clarke – 103 gross – 88 nett.
4th – Bov Oliver – 104 gross – 92 nett.

It was only a VERY close longest drive competition win for Bov that prevented Garry from achieving a clean sweep of all the medals and the coveted jug. Wez did score a prize for best supporting role as camera man and buggy driver, although the competition in that particular field was a little ‘thin’ to say the least!

A big thank you to Bov for organising, and subsidising to a large part, his own birthday bash. A wonderful weekend away with great friends. The rest of the golfing pictures can be found here.

And there’s some pics of the night do here.

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The long awaited riposte to Wez’s latest piss take of the newts & crew is now available for download! A finger pointing, piss taking masterpiece featuring Wez’s original work “Healing World”, the lads from local band SOUTH PARADE, live music, stunning video and of course webmaster newts himself.

Ladies & Gentlemen, may I introduce to you…

THE BOY IN THE PURLE SHIRT!

Download link

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The lads of local band South Parade are currently building and maintaining their own NEW website. It’s early days yet but things are coming on at a pace and it’s filling up daily.

You’ll find them at: www.southparademusic.co.uk

Follow their progress on stage AND on the net!

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