the newts.net

Recognise this old fella?

Man about the house or Robin’s nest give you a clue?

Still not sure who he is…

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Popularity: 90% [?]

In a break from the usual monster Pike horror stories you often hear of as a Pike angler, where huge Pike have been seen taking ducks and chicks off the surface of the water in one gulp – Here we have the tables turned as a cormorant gets one back for the birds and shovels a Jack Pike down his throat.  Great picture (click it for biggy).

Popularity: 85% [?]

Heaven only knows what he was dangling in the water to catch it!

Popularity: 81% [?]

Or is it an Aquaricage!

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This is a CAMEL TOE:



Not to be confused with a RHINO TOE:

Popularity: 100% [?]

You’re probably familiar with the tune from the Sheila’s Wheels car insurance advert, if not watch it on the vid below…

Now have a look at the new parody version by that funny as fcuk Medical Student duo the Amatuer Transplants…

And here’s the audio only version…

Sheila’s Wheels Parody

Popularity: 3% [?]

Thanks to Bov for sending this one in. There is a rumour going round that it was two lads from his construction company that were involved, but that is as yet unconfirmed!

Popularity: 4% [?]

Residents of the western UK and Irish coasts have been warned to expect an invasion by a vast flotilla of ghostly, immortal albino plastic ducks, according to reports.

The tale of the floating, whitened bird migration is a strange one, dating back many years. It seems that the plastic bathtime companions were originally made in China. They were on their way to America in 1992 when a terrible storm struck their vessel in mid-Pacific, and shipping containers holding 30,000 of the hapless playthings were washed overboard.

A majority of the ducks – at that stage still tinted a healthy yellow – headed south, many of them reportedly finishing up in Australia. Ten thousand of the plastic ducks, however, went north, embarking on an endless odyssey across the world’s oceans.

The luckless fleet of cursed, wandering sea-going toys – Flying Duckmen, perhaps – circled the northern Pacific for some years before a fresh horror befell them as they drifted into the Arctic. Here they became frozen into the pack ice, suffering untold torment in their icy prison as they slowly transited past Greenland into the Atlantic.

Bleached pale by their hellish polar ordeal, the doomed ducks drifted onward. Thawed-out plastic voyagers have landed since the turn of the century in New England, Iceland and Canada, and one may have been found in the western Hebrides in 2003.

A retired American oceanographer named Curtis Ebbesmeyer has monitored the ducks’ progress for the past 15 years, and it’s his prediction that the plastic playthings’ perpetual peregrination may now be headed this way.

Ebbesmeyer briefed the Evening Standard yesterday, saying that “We’re getting reports of ducks being washed up on America’s eastern seaboard.

“It is now inevitable that they will get caught up in the Atlantic currents and will turn up on English beaches.”

“Cornwall and the South-West will probably get the first wave of them.”

The Times claims that the globe-trotting bath toys have become collectors’ items, and sell for £500. If true, this could mean another greed-crazed beachcomber salvage flotsam bonanza frenzy, with hordes of opportunists descending on Cornish beaches hoping to get rich on the sea’s pale, plastic bounty.

Popularity: 12% [?]

This darling little cutie is taking no enemies when the monsters come!

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I read these and absolutely laughed my tits off. So bad I had tears running down my face. I don’t know, you might not find them funny, but I pissed myself laughing…

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas’ pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last……

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Popularity: 6% [?]

After spending all day at Bardney Lock with just a couple of small Jack Pike to show for it, enjoyable though it was, I was in need of some further entertainment. Then I found it. Some fool holding a deadbait in his hand and waving it 3 inches off the nose of a hungry 8lb pike.

I wonder what happens next?

Popularity: 5% [?]

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The perils of falling asleep while on guard duty at Buckingham Palace are about to become painfully clear!

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A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.” Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, “Aahhhhh!” “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks. “No… I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”

Popularity: 2% [?]

Made me snigger.

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The 1st Affair: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?” The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair: A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home “I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

The 4th Affair: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, ” pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.” No more was said, not even when they went to bed Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer “Here,” he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

The 5th Affair: A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” “One Cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” “A nickel,” the barman replied. “A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.” The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

The 6th Affair: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.” “There’s no need to, ” his wife replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!” “I know,” she replied, ” now just rest and let the poison work.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

Me mate Lee’s got a couple of mobile phones he’s trying to offload.

The first is an almost new Nokia with camera (a huge 4.1 mega pixels!) and the other is an earlier model Nokia with camera and vibrating alert.

Have a look at the pics and let me know if you’re interested. Also send to any of your mates who may need a phone.

Check the photos of them, and email me with any offers.

Cheers, newts…

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Popularity: 2% [?]

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache”.

“Perfect!” her husband replies, I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it’s up to you!

***

A funeral service is being held for a woman who’s just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump the corner into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and to their disbelief find that the woman is actually still alive. The woman goes on to live for another ten years before she finally dies peacefully at home.

The funeral ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end, the pall bearers are again carrying the casket out.

The husband turns around, catches a glimpse of them, and cries out…

“MIND THE WALL!”

***

A little girl is waiting in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you this Christmas?” The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and an Action Man.” Santa looks at the girl for a moment, slightly puzzled, and replies, “But I thought Barbie comes with Ken?”

“No”, said the little girl, “Barbie comes with Action Man, she only fakes it with Ken.”

Popularity: 5% [?]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, “Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?” The other guy says, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one.”
The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, “You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.”

Popularity: 4% [?]

The films Titanic and The 6th Sense got in common?
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