the newts.net

I read these and absolutely laughed my tits off. So bad I had tears running down my face. I don’t know, you might not find them funny, but I pissed myself laughing…

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas’ pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last……

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache”.

“Perfect!” her husband replies, I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it’s up to you!

***

A funeral service is being held for a woman who’s just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump the corner into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and to their disbelief find that the woman is actually still alive. The woman goes on to live for another ten years before she finally dies peacefully at home.

The funeral ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end, the pall bearers are again carrying the casket out.

The husband turns around, catches a glimpse of them, and cries out…

“MIND THE WALL!”

***

A little girl is waiting in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you this Christmas?” The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and an Action Man.” Santa looks at the girl for a moment, slightly puzzled, and replies, “But I thought Barbie comes with Ken?”

“No”, said the little girl, “Barbie comes with Action Man, she only fakes it with Ken.”

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, “Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?” The other guy says, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one.”
The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, “You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.”

The films Titanic and The 6th Sense got in common?
Read more

What with the spirit of the Christmas parties etc, I thought you might like this one. It raised a titter with me:

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your baldhead you will really look the part. The man is extremely furious now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fcuking toffee apple.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, “What is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalised?”
“Well…” said the director, “we fill up a bath, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bath.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“Noooooooo!” answered the director. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” “What is it, child?” “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.” The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin… it’s simply a mistake.”

It doesn’t take long does it. Days after a a huge disaster the jokes start flooding in!

The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours that the annual carnival is to be cancelled.
They expect to have a record number of floats this year.

They build a city below sea level and fill it with blacks.
Who said the Americans were stupid!

Of course, America is saying that the flooding in New Orleans is down to Al Quaeda.
They reckon they’ve got evidence that it was caused by a suicide plumber.

Apparently New Orleans police have finally recognized 4 colored gentlemen found in the floods.
The Drifters.

New Orleans, doesn’t look so new now. Famous for music, jazz to be precise.
So what the fuck were Katrina and The Waves doing there?

found by paul beckett.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a young Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “Because we’ve never seen the Indians collect so much f*cking firewood!”

All this talk of Wez’s Asian Frog has just reminded me of a Joke Bov’s old man told us at the golf club yesterday. It was all the more amusing due to the fact that sat to his left was his playing partner Dr. Ramana Singh. (Or Rama-lama-ding-dong as Trev calls him)

What’s the difference between a 69 and an Indian wedding?

You only have to kiss one smelly cnut during a 69!

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the
dentist, “Doctor, I’m in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my
car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and
just pull the tooth and be done with it– I don’t have time to wait for
the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness–this sure is a very brave
man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, Honey, and show the
doctor which tooth hurts.”

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), “Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?”

She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger”

St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, “Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?”

The girl is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Tracy! What seems to be the rush?”

The girl replies… “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy water… I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!”

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker
“10″ replies the Essex girl
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the Essex girl “its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER’S
READY or WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the
perturbed council.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
garment on the counter.
“I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” she says.
“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear as he was a bit
deaf. “No” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says “Choose from our range on the wall.”
She says “I’ll take the red one.”
The man replies “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped
and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some
questions?”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Sharon.”
Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”
Sharon: “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon: “Romford, mate.”

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Treacle, I just heard
on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please
be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There’s hundreds
of them!”

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there’s
blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of car
till she’s lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.”
Sharon: “Ok.”
Medic: “Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?”
Sharon: “Oh my god I’m paralysed from the waist down!”

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is
wearing.She says, “Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why
doz
one of your wellies ‘ave an L on it and the uva one’s got an R on it ?
So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and
replies, “Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it
is for me right foot and the one with the L is for me left foot”
“Cor! exclaims the Essex girl, “So THAT’S why me knickers ‘ave
got C&A on them.

Thanks to Kim for these gems!

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes wind and says, “One Nil!”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Equaliser, One All!”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 2-1″
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “All Square 2-2.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little stinky squeaker and says, “She Soots She Scores! 3-2 to me.”
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

It’s Dave’s first day working at the zoo. All was going well until he was sent to the aqaurium to clean out a fish tank. With his hands in the water, a big fish comes speeding over and bites down on his fingers. He grabbed his walkie talkie out of his pocket and whacked the fish smartly on the head. It quickly floated to the top of the tank dead. Not wanting to get into trouble on his first day, quick thinking Dave scooped the dead fish up, and made his way rapidly to the lion’s cage to get rid of the evidence. He tossed the fish to the lion’s who ate it up immediately.

Later that morning he was assigned to mucking out the chimp’s enclosure. Merrily swinging away with his shovel, one of the chimps moved in for a closer look at the new keeper. The chimp picked up a lump of manure and tossed it straight in Dave’s face. Not too happy, Dave chases the chimp round the enclosure and takes a swipe at it with his shovel. With one almighty swing he catches it and the chimp next to it and kills them both stone dead.
Horrified, Dave gathers up the dead chimps and swiftly makes off in the direction of the lions cage. A quick glimpse round and with no one watching he tosses the chimps into the cage where the lions gobble them up instantly.

On the way back to the chimp enclosure Dave passes the apiary, where a stream of bees fly out, one of them stinging him on the back of his neck. Thoroughly pissed off by now Dave slashes franticly at the bees with his shovel and splatters hundreds of them all over the grass. Again not wanting anyone to see the carnage, he shovels all the mashed up bees and quickly launches them into the lions cage. Once again the lions can’t believe their luck and munch all the bees.

Later in the evening the zoo was taking delivery of a new lion, rescued from another zoo that was closing down. The new lion was introduced to the others in the enclosure where he turned to the resident lions and said “So lads, what’s the food like in this joint then?”

“Well”, one of them replied, “It’s been pretty damn good today”…

“We’ve had Fish, Chimps and mushy Bees!”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,”
The father says, “Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit.”

Thanks to the newly, and very APTLY named Kim Winn for the following trio of funnies. They’re obviously rushed off their feet at Millennium Chemicals this morning ;0)

Two girls walking down the street in Spain on holiday. The sun is burning
and they are very hot.
1st girl: “do you think we should take our knickers off? It might cool us
down.”
2nd girl: “I don’t think so, it might be frowned upon.” They walk down to a
market place and spot an old lady eating an enormous piece of melon,
sitting on a bench, knickerless and legs akimbo.

The 1st girl approaches: “is it cooler like that?”
Old lady: “I don’t know about that, but it certainly keeps the flies off my
melon!

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. “Oh, my,”
said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been
blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also
an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” It’s quite ok,” replied the snake.
“Actually, my story is as just like yours. I too have been blind since birth, and
also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over
you, and work out what you are so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d
say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d
say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management.”

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven:
don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
… very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”